My Husband Finally Agrees to an Interview
A necessary note from management: Stephen Colbert did not participate in this interview. Fantasy Stephen Colbert is a fictional, satirical version who lives entirely in Judy’s imagination. Any answers attributed to Fantasy Stephen are invented for comedy. Actual Stephen remains blissfully unaware that Judy considers them married.
JUDY: First of all, thank you for finally agreeing to this interview.
FANTASY STEPHEN: Was there an option?
JUDY: Technically.
FANTASY STEPHEN: What was the other option?
JUDY: I write the interview without you.
FANTASY STEPHEN: Judy, that’s exactly what you’re doing.
JUDY: We’re off to a combative start.
Let’s Talk About Evie
JUDY: I have to ask about Evie.
FANTASY STEPHEN: My actual wife.
JUDY: There’s no need to emphasize words.
FANTASY STEPHEN: I felt there might be.
JUDY: You’ve told the story about realizing pretty quickly that Evie was the woman you wanted to marry. Did she know as quickly, or were you basically standing there staring at this woman thinking about your future children while she was wondering why the strange man wouldn’t stop looking at her?
FANTASY STEPHEN: I prefer to think of it as love at first sight.
JUDY: That’s the romantic person’s term for it, yes.
FANTASY STEPHEN: What do you call it?
JUDY: Depends how attractive the person staring is.
FANTASY STEPHEN: That’s deeply troubling.
JUDY: Welcome to Nobody Asked Judy.
JUDY: What’s something about Evie that, after all these years, still makes you think, how did I get this lucky?
FANTASY STEPHEN: She still laughs at me.
JUDY: At your jokes?
FANTASY STEPHEN: I didn’t say that.
JUDY: Fair.
JUDY: You raised three children while becoming increasingly recognizable. What do you think embarrassed your kids the most about having Stephen Colbert as their dad?
FANTASY STEPHEN: Probably having Stephen Colbert as their dad.
JUDY: Excellent answer.
JUDY: Who is actually the funniest person in your family?
FANTASY STEPHEN: Evie.
JUDY: That came out quickly.
FANTASY STEPHEN: I’ve been married a long time.
JUDY: Ah. Survival instinct.
JUDY: Who wins arguments in your house?
FANTASY STEPHEN: The person who’s right.
JUDY: Evie.
FANTASY STEPHEN: I didn’t say that.
JUDY: You didn’t have to.
JUDY: If Evie were sitting beside you right now, what question would she tell me to ask because she knows you absolutely don’t want to answer it?
FANTASY STEPHEN: I’m not answering that.
JUDY: I feel like we accidentally got the answer.
Stephen, We Need to Talk About PBS
JUDY: I wrote a proposal about you and PBS working together to help save PBS. Did you ever see it?
FANTASY STEPHEN: Apparently not.
JUDY: Well, that’s disappointing.
FANTASY STEPHEN: Where did you send it?
JUDY: PBS. Your network email.
FANTASY STEPHEN: And you assumed it would somehow reach me?
JUDY: I assumed all correspondence vaguely addressed in your direction was personally delivered to your nightstand.
FANTASY STEPHEN: That’s not how—
JUDY: I’m beginning to understand why you didn’t see it.
JUDY: But seriously: public broadcasting matters. Education matters. Local journalism matters. Children’s programming matters. If somebody came to you and said, “Stephen, here’s an opportunity to help build something that protects that,” could you see yourself wanting to be involved?
FANTASY STEPHEN: Fantasy Stephen can commit to anything.
JUDY: Don’t hide behind the disclaimer.
FANTASY STEPHEN: You put it there!
JUDY: Legal made me.
FANTASY STEPHEN: You don’t have a legal department.
JUDY: Priscilla Googles things.
Enough Serious Questions
JUDY: You’ve spent years putting guests through questionnaires.
FANTASY STEPHEN: They enjoyed it.
JUDY: I’m sure that’s what you tell yourself.
FANTASY STEPHEN: What’s happening?
JUDY: Consequences.
FANTASY STEPHEN: Judy—
JUDY: Welcome to the Unsolicited Examination.
THE UNSOLICITED EXAMINATION
JUDY: One song plays every single time you enter a room for the rest of your life. What is it?
FANTASY STEPHEN: Can other people hear it?
JUDY: Yes.
FANTASY STEPHEN: Do I control the volume?
JUDY: No.
FANTASY STEPHEN: Can I change my answer later?
JUDY: Stephen, you’re already terrible at this.
FANTASY STEPHEN: These parameters matter.
JUDY: You have to fight one Muppet. Choose your opponent.
FANTASY STEPHEN: I’m not fighting a Muppet.
JUDY: Coward.
FANTASY STEPHEN: They’re Muppets!
JUDY: Animal would destroy you.
FANTASY STEPHEN: Obviously I’m not choosing Animal!
JUDY: So now we’re choosing.
FANTASY STEPHEN: …Robin.
JUDY: Kermit’s nephew?!
FANTASY STEPHEN: He’s small!
JUDY: You monster.
JUDY: A raccoon moves into your house. He pays $400 a month and does the dishes. Do you evict him?
FANTASY STEPHEN: Does Evie know about the raccoon?
JUDY: She likes him.
FANTASY STEPHEN: Then apparently we have a raccoon.
JUDY: Correct answer.
JUDY: You discover Evie has secretly been funnier than you throughout your entire marriage. Do you concede gracefully or demand a recount?
FANTASY STEPHEN: We’ve already established she’s funnier.
JUDY: I appreciate a man who knows when he’s beaten.
JUDY: Eliminate one forever: potatoes, bread or cheese.
FANTASY STEPHEN: From the entire world?
JUDY: Yes.
FANTASY STEPHEN: I’m not accepting that responsibility.
JUDY: Millions of people are waiting.
FANTASY STEPHEN: Who gave you this power?
JUDY: WordPress.
JUDY: You may ask one historical figure one question, but it cannot be historically significant. Who do you choose and what do you ask?
FANTASY STEPHEN: Abraham Lincoln.
JUDY: Okay.
FANTASY STEPHEN: “Did you like the beard?”
JUDY: That’s exactly the level of scholarship we’re looking for.
JUDY: You may haunt one person after you die. Who gets Stephen Ghostbert?
FANTASY STEPHEN: Stephen Ghostbert?
JUDY: Answer the question.
FANTASY STEPHEN: Can I haunt multiple people?
JUDY: No.
FANTASY STEPHEN: Weekends?
JUDY: One.
FANTASY STEPHEN: I’m not committing publicly to a future haunting.
JUDY: Cowardice is becoming a theme.
JUDY: How many eight-year-olds do you reasonably believe you could defeat in a fight?
FANTASY STEPHEN: Zero!
JUDY: Zero?
FANTASY STEPHEN: Why am I fighting children?!
JUDY: They’re coming at you.
FANTASY STEPHEN: WHY?
JUDY: That’s not important.
FANTASY STEPHEN: I think it’s extremely important.
JUDY: They’re organized.
FANTASY STEPHEN: That makes it worse!
JUDY: You’re stranded on a desert island with Jon Stewart, John Oliver and one sandwich. Who gets the sandwich?
FANTASY STEPHEN: What kind of sandwich?
JUDY: Turkey.
FANTASY STEPHEN: Any condiments?
JUDY: Mayo.
FANTASY STEPHEN: John can’t have it.
JUDY: Why?
FANTASY STEPHEN: I don’t know. But you made me invent an imaginary scenario, so I’m inventing imaginary dietary restrictions.
JUDY: Fair play.
JUDY: Would you rather explain TikTok to your mother or your browser history to your children?
FANTASY STEPHEN: TikTok.
JUDY: Immediately?
FANTASY STEPHEN: Immediately.
JUDY: Interesting.
FANTASY STEPHEN: Don’t make that face.
JUDY: I’m not making a face.
FANTASY STEPHEN: You’re writing the face.
One Last Serious Thing
JUDY: All joking aside, you’ve spent a huge part of your life making people laugh. You’ve also talked publicly about grief, faith, family and some very painful things. When your kids think about you many years from now, what would you hope they remember first?
FANTASY STEPHEN: Not the television shows.
JUDY: No?
FANTASY STEPHEN: I’d hope they remember that I was there. That they knew they were loved. Careers eventually become old clips people find online. Family is the part where you actually lived.
JUDY: Dammit, Fantasy Stephen.
FANTASY STEPHEN: What?
JUDY: I was doing very well keeping this ridiculous.
JUDY: What still makes you laugh when there isn’t an audience?
FANTASY STEPHEN: The people I love.
JUDY: That’s disgustingly wholesome.
FANTASY STEPHEN: You asked.
JUDY: Nobody warned me you’d answer.
The Final Question
JUDY: And finally, the question we ask everyone here at Nobody Asked Judy.
FANTASY STEPHEN: I’m suddenly concerned.
JUDY: Would you date me?
FANTASY STEPHEN: Judy, I’m married.
JUDY: So am I. To you. Apparently communication is going to be our biggest obstacle.
END INTERVIEW.