There are certain things a responsible reviewer can evaluate from a distance.
Movies can be watched. Books can be read. Music can be listened to.
A drinking game, however, presents a problem.
I could simply explain the rules of Quarters, discuss its cultural significance, make a few jokes, assign it some cans, and move on with my life.
But that wouldn’t be journalism.
Nobody Asked Judy has standards.
Admittedly, they’re not particularly high standards, but we have them.
So I have a quarter.
I have a shot glass.
I have a beverage.
And I am going to properly review Quarters.
For science.
First, How Do You Play Quarters?
The basic concept is beautifully stupid.
You bounce a quarter off a table and try to land it in a glass.
If you make it, you choose somebody to drink.
Simple.
Elegant.
A game requiring hand-eye coordination that progressively reduces your hand-eye coordination.
I already respect the engineering.
There’s only one minor problem with today’s test.
I’m alone.
I didn’t really think about that part until just now.
Whatever.
Let’s play.
Attempt One
MISS.
Quarter hit the rim and shot across the table.
Initial assessment: stupid game.
Attempt Two
MISS.
Not even close.
I would like the record to reflect that the quarter is considerably smaller than the opening of the glass, so statistically I feel like some blame belongs to the quarter.
Attempt Three
MAKE.
HA!
There we go.
So now I get to choose somebody to drink.
…
Oh.
Well.
Shit.
Drink.
That’s fine.
One successful test.
Moving on.
Attempt Four
MISS.
My technique needs refinement.
I’m currently bouncing the quarter approximately six inches from the glass. I have absolutely no scientific reason for choosing six inches. It simply feels authoritative.
Attempt Five
MAKE.
YES.
I am getting good at this.
Which means I choose—
Goddammit.
Drink.
I am beginning to identify a fairly significant design flaw in single-player Quarters.
Attempt Six
MAKE.
Oh come ON.
Apparently I am exceptionally talented at a skill that currently benefits me in absolutely no way whatsoever.
Drink.
Updated Assessment
Quarters is an excellent multiplayer drinking game and a surprisingly aggressive single-player drinking game.
I also believe the quarter may now be bouncing better.
This could mean:
- My technique has improved.
- I have identified the ideal bounce angle.
- The table has changed.
- None of those things are true.
I am leaning toward number two.
Attempt Seven
MISS.
See?
Science.
Attempt Eight
MISS.
okay that one wasnt even my fault
the quarter hit my finger weird
Attempt Nine
MAKE.
HAHAHAHA
FUCK YES
wait
fuck
thats me again
Drink.
A Few Thoughts About Quarters
I think Quarters is actually a very well designed game because anybody can play it and you dont need a bunch of expensive shit.
You need a quarter.
Everybody has quarters.
Actually do people still have quarters?
I dont carry cash anymore.
Where did I even get this quarter?
Hang on.
Okay it was on my desk.
We can continue.
Attempt Ten
MAKE.
oh for fucks sake
I would like somebody else to be here now.
Not even necessarily somebody I know.
Just somebody who can drink when I make the goddamn quarter.
Drink.
Attempt Eleven
MISS.
good
Attempt Twelve
MISS.
GOOD.
See this is actually strategy now.
If I miss I dont have to drink.
Which means technically the objective of Quarters when played alone is to be bad at Quarters.
I have solved Quarters.
Attempt Thirteen
MAKE.
sonofabitch
Drink.
Important Historical Information About Quarters
I was going to look up who invented Quarters.
I no longer care.
Probably George Washington.
He had quarters.
wait
George Washington isnt even on the quarter.
WHY IS GEORGE WASHINGTON NOT ON THE QUARTER
He’s on the dollar.
Washington = dollar.
Lincoln = penny.
Jefferson = nickel.
quarter guy =
…
quarter guy
I know this.
dont tell me.
Attempt Fourteen
MAKE.
YESSSSSSSS
NOOOOOOOOO
this game is bullshit
Drink.
Current Rating
I was going to rate Quarters using the NAJ cans but I have discovered a philosophical problem.
The cans represent drinks.
I am drinking.
The rating is drinks.
Therefore if I give Quarters more cans am I supposed to drink those too?
Because absolutely fucking not.
Also quarter guy is Washington.
WAIT NO
Washington IS ON THE QUARTER.
What the fuck was I talking about?
I was thinking of—
who was I thinking of??
There is no other quarter guy.
I have been slandering George Washington for like ten minutes for something he didnt even do.
Sorry George.
Attempt Fifteeeeeeen
miss
ha
Attempt Sixteen
miss
HAHA
I am VERY GOOD AT THIS NOW
Wait.
No.
Being bad is good.
So yes.
very good.
Attempt Seventeen
make
fuck
Final Assessment of Quarters
Quarters is fun with friends.
I feel like thats probably important.
You should have friends.
Not like generally.
I mean for Quarters.
Although generally too probably.
The fundamental problem here is that I keep making the quarter in the glass and then the person I choose to drink keeps being me because there are no other people.
I have therefore conducted extensive research and determined that Quarters requires a minimum of
…
two.
Obviously two.
Why did I have to think about that.
Anyway.
Quarters gets
🥫🥫🥫🥫🥫
wait no
thats too many
because I was good at it
but being good was bad
so if the game is good because I was bad but then I got good which was bad
hold on
I need water.
NAJ Rating: 🥫🥫🥫 — Three Cans
I think.
Actually make it four.
No three.
Three cans.
And somebody take this fucking quarter away from me.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Judy was unavailable for comment regarding the final rating despite being the person who wrote the review.
She was, however, later heard insisting that George Washington had been “completely exonerated.”