A Brief History of Heathen Juice
Before proceedings begin, the court recognizes exactly two lawful beverages:
Original Dr Pepper — The One True Pepper. Created in 1885. Twenty-three flavors. Finished. Complete. Charles Alderton did the work. Everyone may go home.
Diet Dr Pepper — Granted dispensation. It traces back to Sugar-Free Dr Pepper in 1962 and exists for the reasonable purpose of allowing people to drink Dr Pepper without drinking all the sugar. It does not wander into the produce aisle looking for fruit to throw in there. Accepted.
Everything else will now answer for its crimes.
Red Fusion — 2002
Charge: Starting This Shit.
For more than a century, apparently everybody understood the assignment.
Then Red Fusion happened.
The first major new flavor variant took Dr Pepper and shoved additional cherry/berry flavor into it. It lasted only a couple of years.
NAJ finding: Humanity received a warning and failed to heed it.
Heathen Juice Classification: Patient Zero.
Cherry Vanilla — 2004
Charge: Unnecessary Embellishment in the First Degree.
Dr Pepper already contains a complicated blend of flavors.
Nobody opened a Dr Pepper in 2003 and exclaimed:
“You know what’s holding this back? More cherry and VANILLA.”
This is soda behaving like someone at Subway who can’t stop adding toppings.
Heathen Juice Classification: Leave it alone.
Berries & Cream — 2006
Charge: Turning Dr Pepper Into a Bath & Body Works Candle.
Blueberry. Raspberry. Creamy vanilla finish. In Dr Pepper.
That is not a beverage.
That is something called Midnight Berry Embrace that comes with three wicks.
Heathen Juice Classification: Excommunicated.
Diet Cherry Chocolate — 2007
Charge: What the Actual Fuck.
Yes.
They made Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr Pepper.
Chocolate.
Someone looked at a carbonated soft drink and thought:
“Needs Hershey’s.”
Even more bafflingly, this particular abomination was released only as a diet version.
Diet Dr Pepper’s diplomatic immunity does not extend to this.
Heathen Juice Classification: War crime.
Cherry — 2009
Charge: Tampering With Something That Already Tastes Like Dr Pepper.
I understand cherry soda.
I understand Dr Pepper.
I refuse to understand why these two facts required additional paperwork.
Heathen Juice Classification: Misdemeanor heathenry, but heathenry nonetheless.
Dr Pepper Ten — 2011
Charge: Making Dr Pepper Do Math.
Ten calories.
Not Diet Dr Pepper.
Not Original Dr Pepper.
Some strange purgatorial Pepper that couldn’t commit to either lifestyle.
Heathen Juice Classification: Pick a lane.
Vanilla Float — 2014
Charge: Confusing the Beverage With the Dessert.
If I want a Dr Pepper float, I possess the technological capability to put ice cream into a Dr Pepper.
We did not require engineers to pre-float the Pepper.
Heathen Juice Classification: Solution desperately seeking problem.
Dark Berry — 2019
Charge: Premeditated Berrying.
Black currant. Blackberry. Black cherry.
Three dark fruits entered the building and apparently nobody called security.
It came back in 2022, proving that we learned nothing.
Heathen Juice Classification: Repeat offender.
Dr Pepper & Cream Soda — 2020
Charge: Beverage Bigamy.
Dr Pepper is married to being Dr Pepper.
Cream soda needs to respect boundaries.
And Dr Pepper’s own corporate history now proudly lists this among its permanent additions.
Heathen Juice Classification: Homewrecker.
FANtastic Chocolate — 2021
Charge: Chocolate. AGAIN.
Apparently the first chocolate incident did not result in sufficiently strong legislation.
Dr Pepper itself confirms FANtastic Chocolate existed.
This means somebody had a meeting.
People sat around a conference table.
Somebody said “chocolate Dr Pepper” out loud.
And instead of security escorting that person from the premises, they manufactured it.
Heathen Juice Classification: Failure of corporate governance.
Strawberries & Cream — 2023
Charge: Strawberry Shortcake Impersonation.
This one particularly irritates me because the company’s official description says they took the original 23 flavors and added layers of strawberry flavor and a creamy finish.
Excuse me.
You just said TWENTY-THREE FLAVORS.
Twenty-three.
TWENTY. THREE.
At what number of flavors does one traditionally conclude that perhaps the beverage has enough flavors?
Apparently not 23.
Heathen Juice Classification: Dessert pretending to be Dr Pepper.
Creamy Coconut — 2024, AND BACK IN 2026
Charge: Putting Sunscreen in My Dr Pepper.
Coconut.
COCONUT.
I don’t want my Dr Pepper reminding me of something I rubbed on my shoulders before going swimming in 1987.
Worse?
It became Dr Pepper’s most successful limited-time carbonated soft-drink release, and consumer demand was strong enough that they brought it back in 2026.
Which means the public is complicit.
Heathen Juice Classification: Mass delusion.
And Then We Arrive at Blackberry.
Dr Pepper Blackberry — 2025–PERMANENT
Everybody sit down.
Because unlike some of these youthful indiscretions, Blackberry was deliberately made a permanent member of the Dr Pepper family.
Dr Pepper proudly announced it in February 2025. And the company describes it as combining the original 23 flavors with the “rich sweetness” of blackberry.
I would like to return to the number.
23.
There are already TWENTY-THREE FLAVORS IN THERE.
Who tasted twenty-three flavors and thought:
“I’m detecting a hole.”
“Really, Steve? What’s missing?”
“Blackberry.”
BLACKBERRY?!
Not only did somebody propose this.
Somebody approved it.
Then somebody formulated it.
Then other people tasted it.
Then executives tasted it.
Then marketing tasted it.
Presumably at some point a lawyer became involved.
And through this entire chain of command, not one patriot threw themselves across the bottling line.
But here’s where it gets genuinely disturbing.
Dr Pepper Blackberry wasn’t merely tolerated.
According to Keurig Dr Pepper, it became 2025’s top carbonated-soft-drink innovation.
So we cannot blame the corporation alone.
People bought the heathen juice.
Enough people apparently drank blackberry-infested Dr Pepper that corporate America looked at the numbers and said:
“See? They want this.”
No.
Some of us weren’t consulted.
Some of us were at home drinking Dr Pepper.
You know.
DR PEPPER.
Twenty-three flavors.
No strawberries.
No coconut.
No chocolate.
No cream soda.
And absolutely no goddamn blackberry.
Heathen Juice Classification:
🚨 AGGRAVATED PERMANENT BLASPHEMY WITH INTENT TO DISTRIBUTE.
Recommended sentence: Blackberry is free to exist. Blackberries are lovely. Put them in cobbler. Put them in jam. Put them in a bowl.
Keep them the hell out of my Dr Pepper.